The Circles USA model employs community building protocols—the fancy way of saying rituals! We begin our weekly meetings with each person sharing a “New and Good” (an encouraging news item or affirmation) and end our time together with “Appreciations”, or expressions of gratitude. We also use listening pairs during our training for volunteers, staff, and participants.
I’ve led over 25 Circles trainings since I joined the organization in 2018. Over time, it dawned on me why these tools are so powerful.
People who are heard feel seen.
This has become our mantra in the national office and across our community of practice. Really sit with the concept for a moment: People who are heard feel seen.
Of course, the opposite is equally true. Think of a time when someone ignored you or dismissed what you said. Perhaps they minimized your emotions with gaslighting, an attempt to dissuade you from believing the evidence of your senses. Maybe they silenced you with an unjust stereotype based on some aspect of your identity, like income level, race, gender, physical ability, or political affiliation. When someone you trusted broke the unspoken contract to see and hear you, did you feel invisible? Like a ghost? Like you weren’t really there? Like you…your perspective, even your very existence…didn’t matter at all?
That experience of enforced invisibility is the reality for millions of people who are experiencing poverty. This is particularly true where poverty intersects with other forms of oppression, like racism and gender-based discrimination. Too often, marginalized peoples are pushed to the margin, “out of earshot” of a comfortable middle and upper class. Out of sight…out of mind. Like a city bypass, folks can zoom right over that area without having to know what—or who—lives there.
Ouch. This is not only painful, it’s insulting!
Especially when the building of the bypass came at the expense of one’s own community.
We don’t bypass people at Circles USA. In cities, villages, and regions where working families are disenfranchised politically, socially, and economically, Circles meetings “center the margins.” Our teams make sure that active listening, empathetic response, and educated non-judgment are built into the fabric of CUSA gatherings, so that every person is seen and heard each time we meet.
Because feeling seen and heard is a new experience for many people, it can take some training and support to build this trust. Chapter staff and members at every level practice holding the space in support of Circle Leaders who are just beginning to find their voice. And we practice listening—in silence if necessary—for those who don’t come by it naturally. An individualistic society, the U.S. majority worships self-expression and devalues careful listening, which perpetuates poverty as well as other forms of injustice. Circles creates a container where people may stumble, choke, stutter, whisper, rage, cry, laugh, face fears, and experience (sometimes for the first time) the freedom of authentic self-expression in a safe circle of empathy and mutual accountability.
Most of all, this process takes time. At Circles, we know that transformation moves at the speed of relationships, the speed of trust. So we make open, receptive spaces for people to focus and grasp a real thought, not just a cliche; to explore what, and how, they really want to communicate. Over time, participants learn to trust in themselves and each other.
When we are built up and actively engaged in building others up, we begin to feel our lives’ value. Being seen and heard over and over again, and seeing and hearing others, is incorporated into our community members’ repertoire of new life skills. It is also internalized as personal inherent worth. “I am seen and heard.” “I exist.” “I do matter and I am a good person.” “I am likable and valuable.” “I have something to offer, and others can see that, too.” Eventually, members begin to believe it and hold that for themselves wherever they go…in and beyond the circle.
Seeing and hearing is the inner, and the outer, work of Circles. As we engage one another in weekly ritual, we are building community to end poverty in all ways: social, emotional, and financial. These rich interactions of sharing our lives through New and Goods, appreciating each other, and listening intently in pairs are foundational to building intentional relationships and social capital…aka, the “secret sauce” of Circles.
Whether you are a Circles member or supporter, transformative community work is free. Just slow down. Truly hear the person in front of you, so that you can see them and share a moment. Notice the impact it makes in demeanor, energy, and well-being—for the other person and for you.
Now visualize the opposite. Recall how feeling unseen and unheard has harmed or undermined you in your life. Notice where that discomfort sits in your body. Can you feel a tightening of the jaw? A spike in adrenaline or rush of anger, tears of frustration or a silent hopelessness? Now consider the impact on entire segments of our population, communities systemically stripped of agency and voice. People whom the middle class majority have too long ignored. Observe what cyclical trends we are seeing globally, on the streets, in our homes, and in our government.
In his speech at Grosse Pointe High School in 1968, the Reverend Dr. King, Jr. said: “[I]t is not enough for me to stand before you tonight and condemn riots. It would be morally irresponsible for me to do that without, at the same time, condemning the contingent, intolerable conditions that exist in our society. These conditions are the things that cause individuals to feel that they have no other alternative than to engage in violent rebellions to get attention. And I must say tonight that a riot is the language of the unheard.”
“And what is it,” he asked, “America has failed to hear…?” Dr. King went on to describe the devastating effects on Black Americans of being denied economic stability, livelihoods, safety, and dignity in their own communities. More than half a century later, who can deny the explosive consequences to our nation, economy, and political landscape of millions of Americans feeling unseen and unheard—by our government, yes, but more crucially by each other?
What if you ran an experiment for a week and truly saw and heard each person who crossed your path, taking that extra moment to be fully present? This is the gift of self, of recognizing personhood, of honoring another’s humanity that for so many people has been stripped away by the indignity of poverty and modern life.
On behalf of Circles, and from my heart, I challenge us all to do better. I invite us to see and hear each other clearly. Let’s live into this powerful listening practice together. Every human being deserves to be seen and heard.
